If your birthday is this week:  You’ll have the wrong number of birthday candles on your cake, because there is no cake and zero is a wrong number.

Aries:  You will meet the shoe repairman of an old friend in a humidor.

Taurus:  You will buy a donut from a sticky fingered clerk, but his fingers aren’t sticky from donuts.  Just FYI.

Gemini:  The Russian dossier in the news is totally fake, which is good for you because no one’s found out about your shit eating fetish yet.

Lemini:  The stars say, you might want to ease up on the mayonnaise, three jars a day is a little much.

Cancer:  Your attempt to train impersonators fails, as you’re not famous.

Leo:  Your sweater will be mocked by school children until you force their bus off the road.

Virgo:  You will be haunted by a can of Classic Coke you drank in 2006.

Libra:  Your regular drug dealer breaks up with you and leaves you for a young, hotter customer.

Scorpio:  You will be molested by a pack of adorable puppies.

Sagittarius:  Although you try to argue with them, the debate kicks you out anyway.

Capricorn:  The Amish will build a barn around your house.

Aquarius:  You will go 72 hours without thinking about Donald Trump and it will be a relaxing three days.

Pisces:  Your attempt to invent a new ice cream flavor ends in diabetes.