Your Fratoscope: January 15, 2017
on January 15, 2017 at 2:16 am
If your birthday is this week: You’ll have the wrong number of birthday candles on your cake, because there is no cake and zero is a wrong number.
Aries: You will meet the shoe repairman of an old friend in a humidor.
Taurus: You will buy a donut from a sticky fingered clerk, but his fingers aren’t sticky from donuts. Just FYI.
Gemini: The Russian dossier in the news is totally fake, which is good for you because no one’s found out about your shit eating fetish yet.
Lemini: The stars say, you might want to ease up on the mayonnaise, three jars a day is a little much.
Cancer: Your attempt to train impersonators fails, as you’re not famous.
Leo: Your sweater will be mocked by school children until you force their bus off the road.
Virgo: You will be haunted by a can of Classic Coke you drank in 2006.
Libra: Your regular drug dealer breaks up with you and leaves you for a young, hotter customer.
Scorpio: You will be molested by a pack of adorable puppies.
Sagittarius: Although you try to argue with them, the debate kicks you out anyway.
Capricorn: The Amish will build a barn around your house.
Aquarius: You will go 72 hours without thinking about Donald Trump and it will be a relaxing three days.
Pisces: Your attempt to invent a new ice cream flavor ends in diabetes.
