If your birthday is this week: Instead of gifts, you just get a bunch of links on ebay mailed to you with instructions on paying for them.
Aries: You’ll be the only one of your friends to watch the new episode of Rick and Morty and none of them believe you.
Taurus: You’ll discover that new app you downloaded doesn’t allow you to shit your pants and teleport it to the toilet.
Gemini: You’ll create a Windex-flavored ice cream.
Lemini: The stars say, don’t give your mailman the nickname “Shitnuts” if you want to get your packages.
Cancer: Don’t that second margarita unless you want to wake up in a Motel 6 without pants.
Leo: You’ll will win the biggest lottery in Alabama, which amounts to $72 before taxes.
Virgo: Your parking spot will be stolen by a quick Zamboni driver.
Libra: Either you’re going insane or your house plants are messing with your meds again.
Scorpio: Your dry cleaner accidentally sews up all your crotchless panties.
Sagittarius: You will regret helping the Coyote catch that Roadrunner.
Capricorn: Your day at the spa will be interrupted by beatnik clowns.
Aquarius: You’ll finally shave off an eyebrow and prove your fortune cookie fortune wrong.
Pisces: You’ll eat a ton of mayo this week or Miracle Whip if you don’t like mayo.
