If your birthday is this week:  Dozens of people will attend your birthday party and they will be the nicest people your parents ever hired.

Aries:  You’ll develop a crush on a popular soft drink, which will end in a restraining order keeping you away from its vending machines.

Taurus:  The stars say, prepare to get served!

Gemini:  After throwing a paper airplane out your office window, you’ll be arrested by the TSA.

Lemini:  You’ll discover that beef jerky underwear starts to smell really meaty after about ten minutes.

Cancer:  You’ll be asked to poop somewhere else.

Leo:  This week, you’ll be forced to take accordion lessons.

Virgo:  Your pizza arrives three years late, but they honor you coupon.

Libra:  Your drink so much Red Bull during Finals week, you wake up at the beginning of the Fall semester again.

Scorpio:  You’ll finally test the limits of how many marital aids you can place inside your body at once.

Sagittarius:  Unlike the animated movie, the rat under your chef hat only pulls your head and bites your head.

Capricorn:  The ghost of Benjamin Franklin borrows your phone to browse Tinder.

Aquarius:  The cop won’t give you a ticket, but you’ll have to promise to read his Game of Thrones Fan Fiction.

Pisces:  You Pokemon on Pokemon Go app make a lot of crazy demands and then you’ll realize that you’ve been playing Tinder for an hour.