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Hey Bros!
Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die! Today’s contestant is the world’s greatest secret agent, Sterling Archer. Let’s see what he’s tweeting…on my tits! Boom!
April 1st: “Women’s soccer players will be paid as much as the men’s team, as soon as they beat them.”
What’s professional soccer pay? Cab fare and a beverage?
April 3rd: “Why is it called a “free throw”? Shouldn’t it be a free shot? No one shoots a 3-point throw. #nationalchampionship”
Eh. That was pretty good, I guess. For you.
April 3rd: “I do my best work totally drunk.”
Well, I could see why you’d think that.
April 5th: “Tomorrow at 10pm on @FXXNetwork…. new Archer and just the tip.”
Phrasing!
April 5th: “Archer is back!!! Show me them titties!!!!”
It’s a good start. Very dark this season.
April 5th: “Have a few beverages, chill out, & enjoy the new season of #Archerdreamland. (remember to get after show call girls)”
It’s like having a cigarette without a cancer risk, unless you count HPV. But who does?
April 5th: “Sorry to lose you old friend- @ButlerWoodhouse”
He’s gonna be so bummed when he comes out of that coma. And then maybe, Rampage!
April 10th: “I hate everything.”
Well, except Lana.
5 hours ago: “Thought I was in #GetOut when I somehow woke up in bed. Turns out just got blackout drunk. @JordanPeele”
3 hours ago: “Rampage? Don’t mind if I do. #ArcherFXX”
Or you could call it the Hampage. Y’know, once you agree on the licencing rights.
Okay, let’s rate Archer’s tweets. I’m biased because I like the show, but I would give Archer an 8 for Insanity, a 9 for Mustness and a 10 for Style. That’s an overall score of 9, follow Archer and watch on Wednesday at 10pm or whenever. I mean, everyone has On-Demand now.
And if you have someone’s tweets you’d like me to take (phrasing, boom) email me here.
If your birthday is this week: You’ll get a Wal Mart Monkey’s Paw for your birthday, so all your wishes have to be under ten dollars.
Aries: Your Tinder date will turn out to be a puppet.
Taurus: The stars say, beware of any waiter that approaches your table without pants or a menu.
Gemini: You’ll walk through Chinatown and get hit by a stray dumpling.
Lemini: Your pizza delivery guy will give you solid financial advice again.
Cancer: You’ll dream of eating a giant marshmallow and when you wake up, your giant marshmallow will be gone.
Leo: Take care at the zoo this week, one of the tiger cages got left open and you usually smell like hotdogs.
Virgo: Your drone will capture HD footage of your neighbor, through his skylight, taking a shit.
Libra: You’ll reconnect with an old flame and remember you should’ve called the fire department earlier.
Scorpio: You will park in an extremely sensual parking space.
Sagittarius: You’ll rescue a cat, but he turns out he lives in that house and you shouldn’t have broken the window.
Capricorn: You’ll overcook some pasta or murder someone, either or.
Aquarius: You’ll play a game of full contact horseshoes.
Pisces: You’ll discover Tastykake is offering their seasonal strawberry pie and that they are two for two dollars at Wawa. It’s going to be a filling week.
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