If your birthday is this week:  For future reference, other people are supposed to throw the party for you and yell “Surprise”, not the other way around.

Aries:  Your ventriloquist dummy steals your girlfriend.

Taurus:  You will be interviewed by a very intense mime.

Gemini:  You will discover that your cat has a gambling problem.

Lemini:  Your friends will hold an intervention for you because no one likes your jokes.

Cancer:  This week, you’ll drink a record amount of blue food dye and poop like a Smurf and pee like a leprechaun.

Leo:  Antifa accidentally protests at your house and burns down your mailbox.

Virgo:  You and a co-worker solve the mystery of the cubicle pooper.

Libra:  You will invent a way to juggle scoops of ice cream.

Scorpio:  You’ll discover that those prudes in the park want you to shave your pubic hair at home.

Sagittarius:  The Amish will build your tool shed, but only if you agree never to buy power tools.

Capricorn:  Your fantasy LARP involving the Kardashians meets with mixed reviews.

Aquarius:  You will giggle inappropriately as the word aspergers.

Pisces:  You watch too many episodes of Archer, so do you want to not stop quoting Archer?  Because that’s how you never stop quoting Archer.