If your birthday is this week: Your birthday clown will be a juggalo. He’ll eat all the birthday cake, but leave you with plenty of Faygo.
Aries: You will accidentally lead a marching band into the supermarket.
Taurus: You’ll discover that going to a rock concert on horseback is problematic.
Gemini: The stars say, you should probably stop letting your dog send out your resumes.
Lemini: You finally have that summer body, but unfortunately you have nowhere to bury it now.
Cancer: You’ll discover that fried roadkill taste nothing like chicken.
Leo: Your pizza delivery guy will look surprisingly like that 8th grade teacher who thought you would amount to nothing.
Virgo: You accidentally take Viagra instead of Claritan and get a boner every time you sneeze.
Libra: The management at Target will insist that you try on underwear inside the dressing rooms.
Scorpio: You’ll realize you’re allergic to strawberry anal lube at the worst possible time.
Sagittarius: Your skateboard video will be rejected because there’s not enough protruding bone breaks.
Capricorn: It turns out, that server you tipped at Taco Bell was just a homeless guy that comes in and touches everyone’s food.
Aquarius: You should let sleeping dogs lie, especially while robbing that junk yard.
Pisces: Realizing your dog wants longer and longer walks, you decide to start feeding her more carbs and letting her watch TV.
