More from the fake pastor Dom Moccey and the emails and letters that were never answered for my Comedy.com bit. See part 1 here.
Email to Campbell’s Soup:
Dear Campbells:
I am a great admirer of your soups and eat them almost daily. I had one suggestion however. I noticed you had a soup called “Chicken and Stars” which is basically just star-shaped noodles. I am a pastor in the United Faith Church and I was wondering if you could do a special Jesus-shaped noodle. Christmas is coming up and I think it would be a gas if I served my parishioners a Jesus-based soup. Possibly, I would substitute it for the Communion wine, since a holy wafer is basically like a cracker.
What do you think?
Email to Jelly Belly:
Dear Jelly Belly:
Recently, I was using your Sports Bean product as part of training regime. I was training to compete in a local iron man competition. I am partial to your Extreme Watermelon Sports Bean jelly beans, so I started to eat them when I was training. I immediately had great results. My running and biking times got faster and the part where you have to smash the cinderblock seemed a lot easier. (The iron man competition also includes some martial arts.)
Since I had good results with one pack, I decided to up it to two. That also increased my times, so I started increasing my dosage. I eat the beans with everything. I began to substitute casserole meat for Sports Beans and I sprinkle it in salads. But I’ve begun to notice that I don’t sleep much. I assumed I must’ve taken some kind evolutionary leap since I was getting so much biking, running and cinderblock smashing done, but now I’m not too sure.
People look at me funny and my tongue is now a constant shade of dark red from eating all the beans. I figure I’m going through about $200 of beans a day now. People around me look like they are moving in slow motion and although I seem to be making good time on my bike runs and foot runs, I can’t seem to concentrate long enough to follow the correct path to the finish line.
Is there another bean you have that will focus my concentration?
Thanks in advance.
Dom Moccey
Letter to a Washington D.C. Think Tank from a few years ago:
Dear Brookings Institute:
Hello. My name is Pastor Dom Moccey of the United Faith Church. Although my flock and I agree with the separation of Church and State, we sometimes get together outside of the church to discuss politics and your informative website often comes up in the conversation. Recently, some of us read an article by Michael O’Hanlon about dealing with the African pirates.
As Americans, we were all concerned that pirates could take American ships in Africa. We agree that it is a lawless and perilous situation. His article suggesting that American forces should be stationed on the boats hit the nail right on the head! Yes! If American troops had been stationed at, for instance, the oil fields of Iraq. Things would’ve gone a lot more smoothly!
We are interested in making Michael’s idea into reality. Now, of course, with Mr. Obama in the White House and two wars to fight, you’re not going to get Navy Seals protecting the ships, that’s why we’ve decided to form our own Anti-Pirate Task Force. APTF for short.
APTF has already gotten 17 volunteers to go fight pirates and we’ve had several meetings on the subject. Mostly, we just watch Pirates of the Caribbean because we feel that gives us at least some sense of what pirates do. Most of us agree that if we dress as pirates, we’ll be likely to be accepted by them. Then bam! We strike and save the ships!
If it would be possible, we’d love Mr. O’Hanlon to come speak at our group meetings Thursday night. It would help our cause a great deal if he dressed as a pirate as we do. We would, of course, reimburse him for the costume rental. (Tell him not to rent an eye patch, we have plenty of those.) Please let me know what arrangements we need to make to get Mr. O’Hanlon to visit the APTF.
Thank you and God bless your website!
Sincerely,
Pastor Dom Moccey
Email to Sea World:
To Whom It May Concern at Sea World:
I would just like to say how much I enjoyed your park, my family and I loved the time we spent there. The pictures we’ve taken will leave us with memories that will last a lifetime!
However, I have a confession to make. When we visited your park on September 4th I was not completely honest with the ticket counter later about how many tickets we should purchase. Although I purchased tickets for my two children and my wife, we failed to obtain a ticket for the children’s pet monkey, Vilas. We smuggled Vilas into the park via my wife’s handbag.
You see Vilas is a capuchin monkey and he’s been with us for two years. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a monkey as a pet, but they can be quite a handful! Vilas is certainly no exception and he hates to be woken up, so we thought it best to leave him in the handbag. We figured he’d sleep throughout the day.
We very much enjoyed your exhibits, especially the Shark Encounter. Unfortunately, Vilas woke up as we were looking at the sharks and kind of freaked out. He leaped out of my wife’s handbag and ran amok inside the exhibit hall. I’m sure the young lady that tried to help me recapture him remembers the day. Vilas jumped into a tank tried to eat a couple of your starfish, but a stingray scared him and he jumped back out. He ran outside the exhibit just as another family entered.
When I got outside, I found him shrieking on the counter of a snack bar and throwing feces into one of your kitchens. People were screaming and running away and on behalf of Vilas, I’m very sorry about that. When I drew my hunting knife to slit Vilas’ throat, you staff member cautioned me to stop. She said something about how you don’t kill animals at Sea World, but quite frankly I had had it up to here with that monkey. The distraction was long enough for Vilas to scamper away.
At that point, my wife and I got into an argument. Long story short, I never did find Vilas. If you locate him, you can keep him. He was living in our apartment’s laundry room and the other tenants were complaining anyway. Maybe you could feed him to one of the sharks. If another zoo contacts you about a capuchin monkey, that’s probably the zoo where we found him, so you can let them have him back.
Sorry about the mix up.
Sincerely,
Dom Moccey
