If your birthday is this week:  The Rock comes by to be in your home movies at your birthday party because he literally wants to be in EVERY movie.

Aries:  You’ll find some loose change in your underwear again.

Taurus:  Donald Trump will challenge you to a fist fight, then send his Secret Service agents to beat the crap out of you.

Gemini:  You’ll be called a white supremacist because you use mayo on your hamburger.

Lemini:  You’ll realize that your best years are behind you, but that’s okay, your best wasn’t even that good.

Cancer:  The warranty on your sex doll will end and she’ll attempt to sue you.

Leo:  The Starbucks barista will refer to you as “Stinky” and laugh uproariously.

Virgo: You’ll realize the bubblegum you’ve been chewing is actually very old pudding.

Libra:  This week, your SO tells you to get your shit together and poop in just ONE place in the apartment.

Scorpio:  You need a break from reading the Internet, but don’t worry, they still sell paper porn somewhere.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, wearing a bathrobe made from bees is relaxing until you try and sit down.

Capricorn:  The doctor will assure you the voices from the puppets aren’t real, but his bills are.

Aquarius:  Your pizza will arrive in the wrong shape.

Pisces:  Prep for your colonoscopy will be fun, if shitting all day is fun for you.