If your birthday is this week: Your friends get a deal on your birthday cake and it’s made up of other, abandoned cakes from the bakery with the names crossed out.
Aries: You’ll be mistaken for Drake and then be mistake for a drake, both time you’ll get breadcrumbs for free.
Taurus: You’ll walk in on your toys talking, being alive and ordering a ton of toy porn.
Gemini: You’ll make a new friend, but he’s an evil clown.
Lemini: Your new co-worker is the crazy killer from Saw, but so far, he changes the coffee filter and makes the coffee so you’re cool with him.
Cancer: A group of freelance EMT’s will mistakenly give you CPR and then ask for a tip.
Leo: The stars say, it’s perfectly natural for your dog to bark at the screen every time Ellen comes on.
Virgo: Your roommate continues to rant about his ex and insist that the blow up doll factory should have to take her back.
Libra: Your Pokemon demand a livable wage.
Scorpio: Although snowed in, you still manage to sex and get two different online STD’s.
Sagittarius: Your Christmas shopping doesn’t go so well, as no one in the museum seems to want to take your cash.
Capricorn: Although you’re alone and bitter, you make up for it by being self-righteous and a total prick online.
Aquarius: Your Risk game ends in another shoot out with the cops, maybe read the rules next time.
Pisces: You will discover too late that milkshakes are not a viable commodity and be forced to sell the tanker truck.
