Your Fratoscope: January 14, 2018
on January 14, 2018 at 2:24 am
If your birthday is this week: Your cat throws you a surprise party, but the birthday cake is made out of tuna fish and dead mice.
Aries: You will be mugged for your fortune cookie fortune.
Taurus: The stars say, your robot will gain sentience and steal your car.
Gemini: Apparently the waiter will take your insulting tone personally, since your salad will be made mostly of green candy wrappers.
Lemini: You submission to Fail Army is rejected because apparently you can’t even screw up correctly.
Cancer: You’ll soon understand why you shouldn’t sit on a glass table, fat ass.
Leo: You will be made uncomfortable by a produce arrangement in the supermarket.
Virgo: This week, your Facebook account will be hacked so that all your stupid opinions no longer get posted.
Libra: You will drink a record amount of clam juice this week.
Scorpio: You’ll realize that having sex with the mailman to get free mail is pointless since you’re kind of a whore anyway.
Sagittarius: You’ll shit your pants, but in the best possible way: in the pants store!
Capricorn: You’ll find out your employer’s benefit package are nothing but coupons for Arby’s.
Aquarius: Your pole dancing is sexy, but inappropriate in the fire house.
Pisces: You’ll realize the “hoagie inspector” is probably not coming back with your sandwich.
