If your birthday is this week:  Your cat throws you a surprise party, but the birthday cake is made out of tuna fish and dead mice.

Aries:  You will be mugged for your fortune cookie fortune.

Taurus:  The stars say, your robot will gain sentience and steal your car.

Gemini:  Apparently the waiter will take your insulting tone personally, since your salad will be made mostly of green candy wrappers.

Lemini:  You submission to Fail Army is rejected because apparently you can’t even screw up correctly.

Cancer:  You’ll soon understand why you shouldn’t sit on a glass table, fat ass.

Leo:  You will be made uncomfortable by a produce arrangement in the supermarket.

Virgo:  This week, your Facebook account will be hacked so that all your stupid opinions no longer get posted.

Libra:  You will drink a record amount of clam juice this week.

Scorpio:  You’ll realize that having sex with the mailman to get free mail is pointless since you’re kind of a whore anyway.

Sagittarius:  You’ll shit your pants, but in the best possible way: in the pants store!

Capricorn:  You’ll find out your employer’s benefit package are nothing but coupons for Arby’s.

Aquarius:  Your pole dancing is sexy, but inappropriate in the fire house.

Pisces:  You’ll realize the “hoagie inspector” is probably not coming back with your sandwich.