If your birthday is this week: You birthday gifts will all come from the same gas station gift rack.
Aries: Your dream of it raining pizza rolls is realized when your microwave explodes.
Taurus: You’ll realize the monkey that offered to do your taxes was actually scamming you.
Gemini: A homeless guy will give you a dollar and tell you to get some new clothes.
Lemini: You’ll be asked to stop trying to use words like “ethos” in your sentences.
Cancer: The firing range will ask you to leave because your screaming “Pew! Pew-Pew!” over the shots is distracting to the other shooters.
Leo: You’ll find yourself sexually attracted to a snow cone machine.
Virgo: You’ll discover that restaurant won’t take the money you print, no matter how much extra you offer for a tip.
Libra: Your dance battle will go poorly, leaving six dead and several dozen wounded.
Scorpio: You’ll find a way to use a bookmark sexually.
Sagittarius: Your barbecue consultant quits abruptly leaving you with partially cooked rib tips.
Capricorn: Your fencing class will be forced to defend a lady’s honor and fight a bunch of pirates.
Aquarius: The stars say never give up your dreams because other people need someone to laugh at.
Pisces: The porn reviewers will call your new porn script derivative.
