If your birthday is this week:  The stars say, most of your birthday presents will be purchased at a nearby gas station.

Aries:  The Publishers’ Clearinghouse Sweepstakes people will come to your door with a big check…and ask you for directions.

Taurus:  The stars say, don’t stick your genitals in anything with batteries this week.

Gemini:  Due to a paperwork snafu at Facebook, you will end up being Mark Zuckerberg’s personal butler for a week.

Lemini:  You will be licked by two total strangers on public transport.

Cancer:  You’ll win the homeless lottery, but find out later the recycling center won’t take jars full of pee.

Leo:  The psychotic snowman you brought to life last winter still continues to leave you threatening voice mails.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll start a website dedicated to news that doesn’t involve Donald Trump.

Libra:  You’ll realize your broker’s not very good, when he insists on you investing in his Beanie Baby collection.

Scorpio:  You’ll discover that you can masturbate to images of pancakes, it just takes longer.

Sagittarius:  After getting drunk during a conference room meeting, you start a trend at work.

Capricorn:  Jesus appears to you and advises you to bet heavily on the Yankees.

Aquarius:  Stop taking investment advice from that toddler.  His parents are getting weird about it.

Pisces:  This week will be a blur, mostly because you’re wearing someone else’s prescription glasses.