If your birthday is this week: You friends will be shocked that you managed to somehow eat the slice of birthday cake that wasn’t poisoned.
Aries: Once again, someone breaks into your place and eats all the crunchberries in your Crunchberry Cereal.
Taurus: The man you met on the bus isn’t a spy, he’s just a well-dressed homeless person.
Gemini: The ghost of Anthony Bourdain will appear and ask you if they’ve made jokes about his death or if it’s too soon.
Lemini: This week you’ll mathematically prove that God hates you.
Cancer: Your barbecue is kicked into high gear when someone lights the grill and discovers that one unexploded rocket from the Fourth of July you lost.
Leo: Your bubblegum appetizers save you from having to put out any other appetizers.
Virgo: You will meet an extraordinarily smart hedgehog.
Libra: Your addiction to fresh basil finally ruins the relationship between you and the Whole Foods Pesto maker.
Scorpio: You’ll have sex with a bronze replica of a naked person, but avoid jail time because of the statue…of limitations.
Sagittarius: You’ll be eating peanut butter and run into some guy eating chocolate, then beat the shit out of him and take his chocolate so you have both.
Capricorn: Las Vegas calls and asks you to stop betting on “orange”.
Aquarius: Your bikini waxing goes well, but the lifeguards ask that you no longer have it performed at the beach.
Pisces: Your Pokemon all get together and demand you clean the poop out of the balls you’ve been storing them in.
