If your birthday is this week: You realize that your professor wasn’t being sarcastic in that email about summer assignments.
Aries: You drop your kid off at college just in time for the opening campus money fight.
Taurus: During an alumni weekend, you finally have sex with your college crush which really surprises the guy wearing the mascot costume.
Gemini: Your family’s hereditary addiction to Ramen finally pays off now that you’re in college.
Lemini: Everybody will have fun tonight, except you because you didn’t Wang Chung.
Cancer: You roommate informs you that cocaine isn’t considered a school supply for most people.
Leo: Your roommate will insist he’s not a cannibal that his gift basket of barbecue soaps and shampoo should be used immediately.
Virgo: You’ll find out the Freshman 50 is actually the Freshman 15 for everyone else.
Libra: You’ll meet someone with your same major, only they graduated and now mix an excellent Latte at Starbucks.
Scorpio: Sadly, your professors are so ugly this semester you may actually have to study rather than having sex with them.
Sagittarius: You’ll realize that college is worthless, but at least you’ll be able to get laid a lot for a while.
Capricorn: Your professors offer you cash to take same course with somebody else.
Aquarius: The college refuses to take your Guitar Hero scores as a substitute for your SAT’s.
Pisces: You’ll mix up the roommate signal and put the condom on the doorknob and the sock somewhere else.
