If your birthday is this week: The porn site you keep visiting asks you to stop coming by. It will send you an email explaining that it’s not you, it’s the website.
Aries: Your attempt to sabotage your clearly marked food in the fridge backfires. Turns out, your roommate loves the taste of live cockroaches.
Taurus: You’ll eat a pizza you find on the subway. Later, after sobering up, you’ll realize your triangle-shaped carpet swatches are gone.
Gemini: The stars say, you boyfriend is cheating on you. But the good news is, he’s cheating on you with this chick from the vintage clothing store and he can get you 25% off.
Lemini: This week, the cops will shut down your makeshift raccoon gladiator ring and confiscate all those tiny little tridents you had made.
Cancer: You will get a computer virus that won’t allow you to read t7(*#$)(&%Y=-.gh.
Leo: You will vomit into your shoes sometime after your fourth or fifth Jager Bomb.
Virgo: Don’t loan your Leo roommate socks you want back.
Libra: Your beer pong game ends in a shoot out. That house rule about adding PCP to one of the cups has got to go.
Scorpio: You will find yourself in a hostage situation and, no, coming on to the lead hostage taker will absolutely not help your situation.
Sagittarius: The HR director in your company will find you during your smoke break and punch you in the nads. Maybe it’s time to look for another gig.
Capricorn: Stay out of public restrooms this week. Either that or stop wearing those ass-less chaps.
Aquarius: You will have some interesting poop this week, so don’t just flush is down. Stop and enjoy it.
Pisces: Don’t eat all the chocolate donuts. One of them is poison. But definitely eat the others, they’re awesome.
