If your birthday is this week:  Your cosplay is a little too convincing.  Remember next time to never go into the bank dressed as Val Kilmer in Heat.

Aries:  This week your brother will tell you he finds gold coins in an underground pipe world where monsters dwell and a princess lives.  He also has been smoking some primo kush.

Taurus:  Your iphone sends you a text and tells you to upgrade your wardrobe or it will have to find a new user.

Gemini:  The ghost of Heath Ledger will come to you and tell you it’s still not time to make jokes about his death yet.

Lemini:  The stars say, since you now have a bald patch, it’s time to stop dying your hair green.

Cancer:  You will walk in on your boss plowing his secretary in the supply room.  Congrats!  You’ve got yourself a promotion!

Leo:  Your astrology teacher will tell you that you’re probably too stupid to become an astronomer if you keep accidentally signing up for his class.

Virgo:  In a drunken stupor, you will forget to pull down your pants in a public toilet.  Fortunately, the kindly trucker you met in the stall helps you out.

Libra:  The stars say wear a helmet today or you may become one of those rare people that’s killed by a hit to the head with a yo-yo.

Scorpio:  You will forget to recharge your sex toy and have an uncomfortable masturbating session too close to the wall.   It’s time to buy an extension chord.

Sagittarius:   This week, Santa will ask for his gift back.  The stars want to know, what the fuck did you do?

Capricorn:   You’ll discover that it is raining Skittles and you will run outside with a bucket to collect them.  Unfortunately, it is also raining body parts since the Skittles factory exploded.  Don’t taste that rainbow.

Aquarius:  A tiny man in green will ask you to hide him because people are after his “lucky charms”.  Fortunately, you call the cops and have him taken away.

Pisces: The stars say, wear your wedding ring this week.  It’s a great way to get hot chicks to hit on you so you don’ t have to do the work.