Super Frat

Back in the day, I really wanted to write for the Letterman show.  This was one of my many submissions.  It’s pretty dated for reasons that will become abundantly clear.

The Fourth Annual Tony DiGerolamo (chock full o’ comedy)LATE NITE WITH DAVID LETTERMAN Submission, Copyright 1992
written by:  Anthony M. DiGerolamo

MAN O’ FLAME!

In the fine tradition of “Crushing Things with a Steam Roller” and “We Thought it Might be Fun to Run Over This with a Train”, Late Nite with David Letterman presents:MAN O’ FLAME!

EXT. NEW JERSEY PARKING LOT-DAY

DAVE
Hi, I’m Dave Letterman.  I know
you’re used to seeing a piece of
finely crafted, television comedy
at this point in the show, but
frankly, we all had a late night
down at Hurly’s, so instead we
thought we’d come out to a Jersey
parking lot and light people on
fire.  With me is Gilles LaFeat,
the Late Nite stunt coordinator.
Gilles, what’s the Late Nite stunt
team motto?

GILLES
One stunt a week.

DAVE
Aheh, heh, heh, that’s right, rain or
shine, no matter the cost in human
life it’s “One stunt a week”.  Uh,
is your name really, Gilles?

GILLES
No.

DAVE
Well, just go along it’ll save us
in editing.  Now explain this suit
you’re wearing.

Gilles explains the make up of his non-flammable suit and what they put on it to light on fire.  Dave makes his usual smart-ass comments.)

DAVE
Okay, if you’re ready, its time for
Gilles LaFeat, Man O’ Flame walking
through a wall of boxes.

In a piece of highly skilled stunt coordination, the Late Nite stunt team lights Gilles on fire and he stumbles through a wall of flaming boxes.

DAVE
And now, the Man O’ Flame walking
through a wall of marshmallows.

The team lights up Gilles and he walks through a wall of marshmallows.  They immediately douse him with fire extinguishers.

DAVE
Mmmmm, them’s good eatin’ now!  Ya
can’t enjoy marshmallows without the
taste of flame retardant chemical!

ANGLE ON DAVE

DAVE
And now, the out of work, Man O’
Flame.

Gilles holds the Classified section of the newspaper as they set him aflame.

ANGLE ON GILLES

He rides a bike as they set him on fire.

DAVE
(off camera)
There’s been an ugly accident here
at the Tour de France!  Kerosene
was mistakenly introduced in the
squeezey bottles!

ANGLE ON A PHONE

The phone rings and Gilles answers it.  He is already aflame.

DAVE
(through phone)
Hi, Gilles.  I know you’re busy
with the stunts and all.  Can you
meet me for lunch?

CUT TO:

ANGLE ON TABLE

A SECOND MAN O’ FLAME is sitting at a table reading a flame retardant menu.  Gilles enters.  They shake hands and sit down.  A WAITER prepares to take their order. DAVE (V/O)

DAVE (V/O)
(shaking hands)
Glad you could make it.  (to waiter)
How’s the shrimp salad today?

ANGLE ON DAVE

DAVE
Man O’ Flame at a Yankees’ Game.

Man O’ Flame, dressed in a Yankees’, carrying a pennant, a beer and some peanuts, sits down in the bleachers and prepares to watch a game.  In the background, you can hear the stadium organ and a crack of a bat.  From off camera, someone beans him with a baseball and he falls over.

ANGLE ON HOT DOG

Man O’ Flame cooks himself a hot dog over a barbecue.

ANGLE ON MAN O’ FLAME

He Moonwalks onto camera.

DAVE
What an ugly turn this Pepsi commercial
has taken.

ANGLE ON MAN O’ FLAME

The Man O’ Flame plays a guitar.

MUSIC:  Something by Jimi Hendrix

DAVE
(correcting)
No, no.  He lit the guitar on fire.

ANGLE ON DAVE

DAVE
Ladies and gentlemen, this final
stunt, we’d like to call, Omelette
de Gilles.

The Man O’ Flame dives into a wading pool of eggs.

Top 10 Qualifications for Late Nite Staffers

10.  Must speak fluent Canadian.

9.  Previous experience on a comedy show or Reagan Administration.

8.  No Vikings.

CUT TO ANGRY VIKING just off camera with a clipboard and a headset.  He throws down his clipboard and storms away.

7.  Must assist in replenishing the Satanic spell that keeps NBC the number one network.

6.  Endure mindless chatter in the elevator with GE pinheads.

5.  Keep Letterman’s Pez habit a secret from the press.

4.  Address host as “Mi Lord Letterman”.

3.  Hold a degree from Harvard, Yale or an accredited beauty school.

2.  Previous experience with the Gotti “administration”.

1.  Can’t have more hair that the current staff

Dave’s Office Supplies

DAVE
Are you so lazy that you find even
find goofing-off hard work?  Well,
you can be even lazier with this
handy “Rolodex of Job Excuses”.

Dave flips through the Rolodex, which has neatly typed excuses like “Oh, that report”, “Fax?  What fax?” and “Hey, this is GE, I’ll probably get fired anyway.”.

DAVE
Nothing’s more annoying to an
employer than his workers raiding
the company stationary cabinet.  You
can stop these corporate hooligans
with this “Stationary Cabinet
Deterrent System”.

Dave stands next to a sparsely filled stationary cabinet.  TILT UP to reveal a painting of LEONA HELMSLEY with fake shifting eyes.

DAVE
Yes, using the eerie visage of Leona
Helmsley, you can spook even the
most ardent company thief.

Dave goes over to a fax machine.  There are rolls of fax paper lying everywhere.

DAVE
Here’s a common office problem.
Your fax machine spews out roll
after roll of illegible faxes.
They’re difficult to file and costly
to recycle, but not if you’re using
the “Edible Fax”.

The fax machine spews out an edible fax.  Dave holds it up to the camera and takes a bite.  The memo reads, “From: Powerful GE Executives, To:  The Corporate Drones That Work for Us,  Re:  Employment,  You’re fired.”.

DAVE
Yes, this handy way advancement saves
labor, cuts costs on business lunches
and comes in five great flavors of ink.

The next item is a leather bound organizer.

DAVE
You know, in business, its imperative
that you be organized and no one knows
more about the importance of good
scheduling than presidential hopeful
Bill Clinton.  That’s why he’s released
this commemorative “Bill Clinton
Mistress-at-a-glance”.

Dave holds up the organizer, which has a picture of a smiling Bill Clinton.

DAVE
Yes, this handsome, leather-bound
organizer keeps all the names and
numbers of your favorite call girls
and bimbos at your fingertips.

The next item is a desktop weather vane.

DAVE
The next item is also timely for the
upcoming presidential election, its
the “George Bush Commemorative Desk
Tax Weathervane”.  Now you can keep
track of the president’s stand on this
important issue and which way the
wind is blowing.

One side of the weathervane says, “Yes Taxes” and the other side says, “No Taxes”.  Dave stand next what looks like a cow tongue impaled on a stick.

DAVE
No one likes the taste of stamp
glue.  Gosh, its gritty, flat and
leaves an awful after taste.  Well,
you’ll never have to taste those
industrial adhesives again with
the new “Automatic Tongue”.

Dave uses the cow tongue to moisten a stamp.

DAVE
Yes, this disgusting looking office
work saver is kept moist by actual
saliva and will stay glistening wet
long after your employees tongues
shrivel from fatigue.

The next item is a desk blotter.

DAVE
Keeping your boss from realizing
just how much of his time you waste
can be an arduous and often time-
consuming task, but not with this
handy “Reversible Desk Blotter”.

One side of the blotter contains spreadsheets, reports, memos and a calculator.  The other side contains a Racing Form, a copy of “Juggs” magazine, cigarette butts and a Nintendo Game Boy.  Dave goes over to a MAN sitting on the business end of a photocopier.  He has his pants undone and is photocopying his rear.

DAVE
Finally, one of the most annoying
problems in any workplace is keeping
the employees from photocopying their
posteriors on the xerox machine.  It
wastes paper and causes a breakdown
of discipline in work areas.  Well,
with this special “Photocopier
Accessory”, you’ll never have that
problem again.

Dave hits a lever.  A trapdoor opens up under the man and he disappears inside the photocopier.