If your birthday is this week:  You discover that your “world record sized dump” is inappropriate discussion fodder for a first date.

Aries:  Ironically, your terrorist-proof bunker will collapse today.  It’s a good thing all the 9/11 scare mongering was all bullshit.

Taurus:  Steve Irwin will come to you in a dream and give you losing lottery numbers.

Gemini:  You’ll come this close to not acting like an asshole this week.  Better luck next week.

Lemini:  Wear your seatbelt today.  It’s the only way they’ll find your torso.

Cancer:  You’ll be caught at a red light singing along with Abba’s “Dancing Queen” way too loudly by a busload of bikini models that pull along side of you.

Leo:   Your plan to just chuck the pizzas you’re suppose to deliver backfires when you realize you’re only paid in tips.

Virgo:  You’ll shart in the middle of a History class.  Fortunately, you’ll be wearing brown, so they blame it on a fat guy.

Libra:  The stars say, your 9/11-theme costume party won’t be as much fun as you think.

Scorpio:  You will run into your boss at a gangbang.  Fortunately, your boss is facing away from you when you finish.

Sagittarius:  It’s time to face facts.  Your career as a Rudy Giuliani impersonator may not get you to retirement.  You better start working on your Scott Adsit.

Capricorn:  This week, you stock will plummet.  This is mainly because the shelf that your soup is on collapses.

Aquarius:  You’ll find out that the guy you met in the airport isn’t TSA.  He just wears uniforms and touches people’s junk.

Pisces:  Your dog will learn to speak.  He’ll tell you that he thinks you masturbate too much.