If your birthday is this week: Frosty the Snowman will come to life in your front yard and make sweet love to your blow up Santa doll.
Aries: You’ll realize that you’ve held out too long in blackmailing Herman Cain. Instead of money, all you get are expired pizza coupons.
Taurus: This week, you petition to have your landlord declared an “enemy combatant” will be denied, but a drone strike will take out his 2005 gray Hyundai Accent.
Gemini: As usual, you will lose at solitaire even after cheating.
Lemini: They will name a new Pokemon creature after you called “Assholasaur”.
Cancer: It might be time to stop playing Batman: Arkham City. You haven’t been to work since October.
Leo: The stars say, your iTunes account is full of crappy music. Put your God damned headphones on.
Virgo: You will have an unusually erotic prostate exam this week.
Libra: Your invention will go berserk and kill your potential investor. Fortunately, he’s carrying a lot of cash in his wallet.
Scorpio: You will spot yourself on the cover of a porn DVD called “Drunken Hoe Bag Orgy”. For only $9.95, you’ll finally find out what happened that night you blacked out from drinking Tequila.
Sagittarius: This week, the bank will start show your house to potential buyers. One of them will point out that mortgage check you forgot to mail.
Capricorn: You will be a guest on a talk show hosted by a dog. The show’s entertaining, but your responses will be a little ruff.
Aquarius: You will be beaten by a group of skinny, chain-smoking Emo kids. Maybe it’s time to start working out again.
Pisces: Your bagel and lox platter will be delicious, but the waiter still prefers a money tip rather that attempting to sing a musical number in the diner.
