If your birthday is this week:  Your visit to Santa’s workshop is disillusioning.  Turns out, Superman builds all the toys.

Aries:  The stars say, you’ve got 99 problems and most of them are bitches.

Taurus:  Your Dungeons and Dragons game will degenerate into a screaming match over who is the best captain of the Enterprise…again.

Gemini:  You will remember where you left that pledge, mainly because the smell of his corpse finally wafts up from the frat house basement.

Lemini:  You will discover that you are sexually attracted to Crackerjack.

Cancer:  This week, your friends will hold an intervention to get you to stop riding that fucking segway everywhere.

Leo:  A group of roaches in your apartment carrying tiny protest signs will demand you finally clean up your shit sty of an apartment.

Virgo:  The stars say, don’t order desert, fattie.

Libra:  A group of co-workers will board you up in your cubicle.  Maybe next time you should sign the get-well card.

Scorpio:  It’s a sad week as you will attend the funeral of the man who made you all those custom sized cock rings.

Sagittarius:  Despite an excellent rap about your ’98 Hyundai, the dealer won’t fix it.

Capricorn:  You will unexpectedly run into that sketchy guy you went to high school with in your kitchen, some time around 3am.

Aquarius:  You will learn that no one likes bodily fluids as frosting, even if you make erotic cupcakes.

Pisces: You will text your wife while walking back towards your car through a wooded area after a Christmas party and walk into a motherfucking tree.  It will hurt like a bitch.  You’ll cut your face and post a pic on your webcomic blog.