If your birthday is this week: That gopher you buried under a rock three days ago, pushes it away and runs into the woods. Eleven of the other 12 gophers follow him.
Aries: You will vow never to drink on Easter ever again. You will also discover that passing green, artificial basket fluff is extremely painful to your lower intestine.
Taurus: You find your Easter basket empty because the Easter Bunny Hates You.
Gemini: You will find a very drunk Santa in your living room demanding to know the exact date. When you tell him, he’ll mutter. “Oh, fuck me.”
Lemini: You will find a chocolate statue of yourself in your Easter basket. Biting into causes you to spontaneously bleed.
Cancer: The stars say, someone will finally explain just how Easter works to you, as they are sick of your elaborate traps to capture Jesus.
Leo: Your Ten Commandments movie watching party is a huge success, but your landlord complains about the lamb’s blood all over your front door.
Virgo: You will clothesline an 8 year-old during an egg hunt. The candy you get will be the sweetest of all.
Libra: You will find out if you can die of Peeps poisoning.
Scorpio: You will discover that sex in a bunny costume doesn’t do much for you, but it does emotionally scar the children in the mall standing in line to see the Easter Bunny.
Sagittarius: Turns out, your wife is right, going to the mall is a bad idea today.
Capricorn: This week, your Easter fireworks display burns the image of a crucified Jesus into your front lawn.
Aquarius: You’ll run into Jesus at an Easter celebration. When he sees the basket of candy you’ve brought he’ll just sigh sadly and say, “Really?”
Pisces: You’ll find out your Cinco De Mayo celebration was way early. You really need to learn how to read a calendar.
