If your birthday is this week:   That gopher you buried under a rock three days ago, pushes it away and runs into the woods.  Eleven of the other 12 gophers follow him.

Aries:  You will vow never to drink on Easter ever again.  You will also discover that passing green, artificial basket fluff is extremely painful to your lower intestine.

Taurus:  You find your Easter basket empty because the Easter Bunny Hates You.

Gemini:  You will find a very drunk Santa in your living room demanding to know the exact date.  When you tell him, he’ll mutter.  “Oh, fuck me.”

Lemini:   You will find a chocolate statue of yourself in your Easter basket.  Biting into causes you to spontaneously bleed.

Cancer:   The stars say, someone will finally explain just how Easter works to you, as they are sick of your elaborate traps to capture Jesus.

Leo:   Your Ten Commandments movie watching party is a huge success, but your landlord complains about the lamb’s blood all over your front door.

Virgo:   You will clothesline an 8 year-old during an egg hunt.  The candy you get will be the sweetest of all.

Libra:  You will find out if you can die of Peeps poisoning.

Scorpio:   You will discover that sex in a bunny costume doesn’t do much for you, but it does emotionally scar the children in the mall standing in line to see the Easter Bunny.

Sagittarius:  Turns out, your wife is right, going to the mall is a bad idea today.

Capricorn:  This week, your Easter fireworks display burns the image of a crucified Jesus into your front lawn.

Aquarius:  You’ll run into Jesus at an Easter celebration.  When he sees the basket of candy you’ve brought he’ll just sigh sadly and say, “Really?”

Pisces:  You’ll find out your Cinco De Mayo celebration was way early.  You really need to learn how to read a calendar.