If your birthday is this week: Your surprise party is awesome until your party guests discover that porn DVD in your DVD player.
Aries: You will be disappointed at the movies either because you drop your popcorn or because you go to see Prometheus.
Taurus: This week, your fax machine spits out the question, “So this email thing is more than a fad, huh?”
Gemini: The cops return will return your volleyball. Actually, it’s not yours, but they worked so hard on the case you’ll be nice enough just to go along with it.
Lemini: You’ll be arrested for stealing a volleyball. Not the first one, the other one.
Cancer: Get those bites checked out. The worm is boring closer to your brain and soon you won’t be able to hdhf p&3 xbvbmba kkl.
Leo: Your newspaper will be stolen by Bill Murray. As he runs away, he’ll shout, “No one will believe you!”
Virgo: The stars say, you’ll steal a bunch of newspapers today and that you should make a sequel to Stripes.
Libra: Your hipster friend’s party will suck, but in an ironic way.
Scorpio: You will have sex with someone you barely know and then the cops show up. Next time, wait until after the car accident is cleaned up to hook up.
Sagittarius: Your gingerbread man will come to life and attempt to free your fig newtons.
Capricorn: Your roommate’s stash is in his sock drawer. Since you read that here, it’s not your fault if you smoke it. Blame Your Fratoscope.
Aquarius: Superman will stop you from falling off that cliff, but only because your girly scream sounds like his girlfriend’s.
Pisces: You’ll wake up convinced it’s the Zombie Apocalypse, but it turns out it’s only a convention of Bath Salt salesmen.
