If your birthday is this week:   Your mom will love her Mother’s Day gift and it’s so thoughtful for you to get her new nipple tassles for work.

Aries:  Your mom won’t appreciate being taken out for dinner on Mother’s Day and the hot dog vendor won’t honor his coupon.

Taurus:  You will discover that you can put a price on a mother’s love and it’s under $40.

Gemini:  The flower shop guy will tell you to tell your mom to stop by and pick up her expensive bra that she left at his place.

Lemini:   The stars say, what your mom really wants for Mother’s Day is for you to stop being a failure.

Cancer:   You will discover your experiment is more successful than you think when it makes you a Mother’s Day card.

Leo:  You will buy your mother what she asks for every holiday; meth.  At least she didn’t ask for this drug.

Virgo:  Your mom finally admits that she won you in a card game.

Libra:  You will have a pleasant visit with your mom and all the keepers at the zoo will say that she continues to behave.

Scorpio:  For once, your mom doesn’t return your Mother’s Day gift.  But then again, you can’t return a gigolo.

Sagittarius:  You’ll realize your mom is not who you think it is and now that Martha Stewart finally has a restraining order, the timing couldn’t be better.

Capricorn:  For once, your mom visits you on Mother’s Day.  But then again, zombies always return to familiar surroundings.

Aquarius:  You will get your holidays confused, but that’s okay.  You mom loves drinking green color Guinness.

Pisces:  You’ll spend a happy day with mom because those cops are still too stupid to find her.