If your birthday is this week: You will discover that the “seeds” in the bottom of your iced tea are actually rat turds. Happy birthday!
Aries: You will notice a significant decline in the quality of your cellphone conversations on the toilet.
Taurus: You will discover that your bong will not get your fish high, but the bong water will kill it.
Gemini: This week, you’ll see some great fireworks…when a stray rocket comes through your kitchen window.
Lemini: Your wedding toast does not go as planned and you’re later forced to bail the bride out of jail.
Cancer: You video game avatar sends you a resignation letter via email. It’s just not working out fat fingers.
Leo: You will find out that if you drink ten 5-hour Energies, you won’t stay up for 50 hours. It will just feel that way until your heart attack.
Virgo: You will be kicked out the hipster club. Several hipsters will hold you down and ironically shave off your beard.
Libra: The stars say, you will be forced to appear in a Quinzo’s commercial against your will.
Scorpio: Your solar powered sex toy is a huge success except for the many complaints of sunburned genitals.
Sagittarius: You will discover that you have not seen the movie Ted. You just got high and watched reruns of Family Guy on adultswim.
Capricorn: Linda Hamilton will bust into your house and demand you train for the coming war against machines. After two weeks, she realizes she got the wrong address and leaves.
Aquarius: You will discover that your Pinterest account is unpinteresting.
Pisces: You will be carjacked by Tucan Sam. Just give him the keys.
