If your birthday is this week:   You’ll start to tell a joke, but realize it sounded funnier in your head and that it’s probably inappropriate to tell at your aunt’s funeral.

Aries:   You will discover that pimps are extremely good at playing Monopoly.

Taurus:   Your minotaur roommate will clog the toilet again.

Gemini:  You will discover that you cannot sue for discrimination just because you are a Furry.

Lemini:  The stars say, the Spiderman movie is okay, but it’s really more of a rental.

Cancer:  You will finally get inside Comic Con on Monday.  Get sweeping.

Leo:  The meat in your TV dinner will come to life and grant you three wishes if you don’t eat it.  Unfortunately, you’re really hungry and wish-granting meat tastes awesome.

Virgo:  You will realize that your podcast is mostly made up of uncomfortable silence and fart sounds.

Libra:   The ghost of Abraham Lincoln will come to you during the night and tell you a racist joke.

Scorpio:  Your dating website will request that you allow some of the other members a chance to bang each other.

Sagittarius:   You will receive an email with a time and a local address, but with no further explanation.  With nothing else to do, you will go and find a package.  Inside are several important looking government papers.  Before you have a chance to read through them, four men in a black van screech to a halt near you, throw you inside, put a black hood over your head and take you to a secret prison.  After several weeks of interrogation, you’re finally freed when a group of resistance fighters breaks into the prison and kills the guards.  You escape to the jungle and later determine that you are in Ecuador.  You’ll spend several weeks traveling north, avoiding capture and fighting with the rebels.  You’ll have to do unspeakable things to survive, but eventually you’ll make to Mexico.  There, you will get a job in a small cafe washing dishes and after several months you’ll scrape up enough money to buy a bus ticket to the border.  You’ll walk to the border.  Finally, you’ll be back in America.  After getting a hold of some family and friends, you’ll return home and tell your harrowing story to everyone.  Eventually, you’ll get back to your computer and check your email.  You’ll have a second message from Yahoo apologizing if you received any strange or weird emails and warning you not to open them.

Capricorn:  Your Sagittarius friend will disappear for months and you’ll bang his girlfriend.

Aquarius:  Your Sagittarius friend will disappear for months and then mysteriously resurface and borrow $500 for a plane ticket.

Pisces:  Your Sagittarius friend will disappear for months and forget all about loaning you his Xbox.  Score!