If your birthday is this week: You will celebrate with a few close friends, all of whom, you have to provide the voices. On the upside, mannequins don’t eat birthday cake so more for you!
Aries: A waitress will punch you for attempting to tip her with your Discover Card.
Taurus: Samuel Adams will name its new lager after you, but Masturbater Ale is not a success.
Gemini: You Halloween candy will finally run out, which is perfect because so does your diabetes medicine.
Lemini: You will decide that noise your heard downstairs is nothing, which is good because the guy robbing you at the time tends to be shooty if you interrupt his work.
Cancer: You will be taken hostage by a renegade Muppet who will insist you not address any questions to the man with his hand up his ass.
Leo: You will get a letter from a Army recruiter encouraging you to get a job in the private sector.
Virgo: Take a scenic drive to clear your head. It’ll make it harder for the cops to find you.
Libra: The stars say, the gas station attendant was only nice to you because he thought you’d have sex with him.
Scorpio: You will be late for you sex addiction support group, which is a shame, because all the best fucks will be paired up by the time you get there.
Sagittarius: You may be addicted to Five Hour Energy because it was 2013 when you took your last bottle.
Capricorn: God will appear to you in a stack of pancakes and pretend to drown when you pour the syrup on him.
Aquarius: This week, Will Arnett will help you hang your Christmas lights, but only if you promise to watch his TV show. Fortunately, you can hang the lights yourself.
Pisces: You will get your Christmas shopping done, mostly because you don’t have any money and will be forced to draw pictures of what you meant to buy for your family.
