If your birthday is this week:  You will be carjacked by a fat man with a white beard and a red suit.  He’ll insist that he has to get back to his workshop in two weeks or there won’t be any meth in time for Christmas.

Aries:  You will have an exotic meal made of insects because you won’t notice the cockroaches in your hamburger.

TaurusBilly the Exterminator will come to your house and force you to leave.  On the up side, he does free you in a nice section of woods.

Gemini:  Your robot is hanging out with the wrong crowd and breaking curfew.  Time to reboot.

Lemini:  The stars say, check that mole.  The stars don’t like the looks of it.

Cancer:  You will see your couch on Storage Wars.  Guess you did forget to lock the door.

Leo:  You will be emailed a picture of the penis of the guy that stole your iPhone.

Virgo:  Let up on your boss, he’s under a lot of stress because he’s been asked to fire you.

Libra:  Your Christmas shopping ends abruptly when the security guard finds what you stuck under your coat.

Scorpio:  Sex with one of Santa’s Elves at the mall won’t be magical, but you will get a free Orange Julius afterwards.

Sagittarius:  Your souffle gains sentience and begins you not to eat it.  Later, it will complain and take up too much room in your fridge.

Capricorn:  Hugh Jackman will challenge you to a game of Call of Duty Black Ops II.  You’ll beat him, but no one will believe you.  C’mon, he’s Wolverine, dude.

Aquarius:  Asking the pizza guy to draw a picture on the inside of your box turns out to be a bad idea.  Although his picture is awesome, the spray paint he uses for the graffiti gets all over your extra cheese and mushroom.

Pisces:  You will rock the Christmas party, if by “rock” you mean eat all the free shrimp appetizers.