There’s a lot of movies to see and life is short. You can’t see them all and you especially don’t want to waste time on movies that don’t look good. I’m admittedly a judgemental person when it comes to movies and I’ve seen some trailers and now you will know Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies.
Turbo: Ryan Reynolds is already in far too many movies for my taste. I can’t fault the guy for making the money while he’s famous, but Christ. Does everyone have to try to be Pixar? And, just for the record, Pixar’s premises tend to be rooted in some kind of reality. Not “a freak accident allows a snail to realize his dream to win the Indy 500”. What studio exec’s fourth grader pitched this?
The Lone Ranger: Have you seen this trailer? People in the the late 1880’s really had a problem with explosions, didn’t they? I mean, it looks like shit just blew up every day if you weren’t careful. And driving a horse through a train? No problem, right? I mean, I’ve actually been on an old train and you can barely fit down the aisle if you’re a fat guy from Jersey. Horse? No problem? Why don’t they just give them a car and a cool catch phrase and get it over with? They could tip their sunglasses every time they shoot someone.
Grown Ups 2: There were so man unanswered questions from the previous, pool-pissing scene in the first movie, I’m so glad they made a second! You’d think a group of comedians in a movie means they got together, pitched their funniest ideas and fashioned the world’s funniest movie. You’d think that, but not me. Any thing that can be described with the words “family entertainment” is like movie Kryptonite to me. Fuck that.
Man of Steel: You’d know how I’d explain Superman if I made a Superman movie. Superman would enter and say, “Hey, everyone, I’m Superman.” Because that’s about as much explanation as you need to explain Superman unless, like Superman, you actually are from another planet! And if you’ve read the reviews, you know the event that takes place in this film which is completely contrary to the Superman concept. Pass.
World War Z: Zombies do not run, okay? If they existed, which they don’t, they wouldn’t run. They’re dead and their legs work worse and worse with each step. As do their hands and arms. So I was out the moment the first trailer hit with CGI “zombies” pouring over the walls and the bus and whatnot. And, no offense to Brad Pitt, but I learned my lesson with Snakes on a Plane. When a celebrity tries THIS hard to promote a movie, that usually means he needs to. Maybe I’ll catch this on cable, but probably not.
The Heat: Okay, this trailer, is just an insult to anyone that’s ever seen a movie. And God dammit, don’t involve Katlin Olsen in this mess. WTF? I saw this trailer ahead of This is the End and it shows you the entire fucking plot. A cop buddy movie? What is this? 1988? They already made this movie like a thousand fucking times. One time, it was called Red Heat with Arnold Swartzenagger and Jim Belushi. So like the entire title of the movie isn’t even original. Who greenlit this? A bowl of algae?
White House Down: This movie looks so bad, it makes me want to see the rest of the movies on this list. Why do they keep giving money to Roland Emmerich? Does he have blackmail photos of everyone in Hollywood? Is he secretly running the Scientology complex? They just made this fucking movie. It was called Olympus Has Fallen and it only fell a few weeks ago! Jamie Foxx as the all-action president? And Channing Tatum as “Handsome Man”? This is like Olympus Has Fallen dumbed down for people who didn’t understand it. They should play this movie at half speed so the audience has time to process it all. Because you’d have to be some kind of brain-damaged half wit to put your money down for this.
And never mind the fact that it’s just pathetic to live in the most powerful country in the world and yet, make a movie portraying our government as some kind of helpless victim that needs saving from evil criminal masterminds. How exactly could that happen with the NSA watching everyone, the government armed to the teeth and your average police department with so many sharpshooters, you couldn’t take two steps near the White House, much less set it on fire and take it over? The US has literally dozens of overlapping security agencies, with hundreds of employees with guns and bullet proof vests and walkie-talkies—- Yet, we’re expected to believe that it just comes down to ONE guy and the president to save the day? It’s not even remotely possible, feasible or sensible.
You know what would’ve been awesome? The president of some 3rd world country, which hangs by a thread, being assassinated by the CIA, but he survives thanks to some random cop that’s visiting the capital. And they spend the rest of the movie trying to avoid U.S. special forces and the CIA to let the world know he’s still alive. Now THAT’S an exciting, believable flick.
Sorry to rant. I guess I’m still sore about Roland Emmerich’s 2012.
