If your birthday is this week:  You may have had too much caffeine.  You’re actually supposed to be celebrating your birthday from 2015.

Aries:  Turns out, you do have fans of your blog, they just all happen to sales reps for penis enlargement medicine.

Taurus:  You will receive a letter from 1995.  They’ll demand that you put on your fax machine one last time.

Gemini:  This week, you’ll punch a marmoset.  The zookeepers will agree that the animal was being a dick.

Lemini:  The NSA is not tracking you with a drone, they installed cameras in your house two years ago.

Cancer:  The stars say, the problem isn’t that you’re bad at your job.  It’s that your job only exists after you’ve had a couple of shrooms.

Leo:  The mice in your apartment will renew your Netflix account while you’re asleep.  They can’t stop watching Stuart Little.

Virgo:  You will discover that action figures should not be “prizes” inside of your dinner guests strombolis.

Libra:  You are far too high to read your horoscope now.  Eat a bag of pita chips and chill.

Scorpio:  Turns out, you can’t have sex with enough toll takers to counterbalance your EZ pass charges.  Better just pay.

Sagittarius:  You will discover your roommate is a werewolf.  He doesn’t kill people, but he does hump the couch a lot.

Capricorn:  You will be totally paranoid about your airbag deploying this week since you read it here.

Aquarius:  The fish in your coy pond will whistle the theme of Duck Tales at all hours.

Pisces:  Your cosplay at Comic Con goes awry, as it turns out the Human Torch does use actual fire for his costume.