If your birthday is this week: You will drop the musical birthday card down a crack behind the sofa and listen to “Happy Birthday” for the next 87 hours.
Aries: During your weightlifting at the gym, someone will sensually spot you.
Taurus: Your underwear will give out at an inconvenient time this week.
Gemini: You will discover a Phlegm flavored lollipop.
Lemini: Your Craigslist ad backfires and your casual encounter becomes incredibly formal.
Cancer: The NSA sends you an email telling you that your webcam has been on every time you’ve jacked it.
Leo: You will listen to this song and bob your head along with the beat.
Virgo: You finally go to use that pizza coupon and find out its expired.
Libra: The stars say, your week could really use a good saxophone solo.
Scorpio: You can stop going through TSA check points. They won’t do more than grope you through the clothes.
Sagittarius: Your World of Warcraft will shoot you a text message explaining that it has found a better player to represent.
Capricorn: Your dyslexia will cause you to choke on some Alpha Bits cereal.
Aquarius: This week, make sure your water your garden because the blood of the people you buried there won’t wash away until it rains.
Pisces: Your psychic powers will only allow you to predict the endings of sitcoms.
