If your birthday is this week:  You surprise party is canceled when it’s revealed that the Simpsons already did it.

Aries:  You will discover a way to time travel, but sadly it can only be fueled by racism.

Taurus:  Your doctor will tell you that he can no longer see you.  It’s not you, it’s him, but he’d like to remain friends.

Gemini:  You will be kicked out of your farm collective for not eating enough beets.  You asshole.

Lemini:  Don’t start singing when the spotlights hit you, the snipers are lining you up.

Cancer:  The valet will drive your car to his favorite lunch spot, eat his lunch and then drive it back to you.  That’s why the ashtray is full of Hostess cupcake wrappers.

Leo:  Don’t go to the casino this week.  You’ll lose.

Virgo:  The stars say, Comic Con is over.  Stop wearing that Jedi costume to work.  It’s against the post office rules.

Libra:  Your attempt at driving a bumper car off the ride and out of the amusement park ends in failure and partial electrocution.

Scorpio:  This week, you will be surprised by a money shot.

Sagittarius:  Get your glasses fixed this week or you won’t be invited back to the gun range or the custard stand that resembles the gun range.

Capricorn:  You will learn that leaving down the windows during a car wash isn’t like getting a shower.  It’s just painful to you and damaging to the car.

Aquarius:  Some dumbass rides into your carwash with his windows down.  YouTube that shit.

Pisces:  You will be arrested for trying to pass off waffles at a pancake breakfast, you monster.