Aug07

Twitter in Focus: Simpsons Writer, Tim Long

by tonyd on August 7, 2013 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is writer for The Simpsons, Tim Long.  I got high expectations for this Twitter account, let’s see if Tim can match them.

@mrtimlong

August 5th:  “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater — we have separate recycling bins for each”

Boom!  Right out the gate!  He’s on fire!

August 5th:  “To me, a massage has a “happy ending” if I get through it without audibly farting”

But with an SBD, it’s really not happy for the masseuse.

23 hours ago:  “I stopped believing, feared the reaper, and chased waterfalls — now all the pop songs are mad at me. :(”

Great.  Now you’ve broke my heart.

15 hours ago:  “Dial N For Murder ”

Alfred Hitchcock’s Psyche

15 hours ago:  “Return of the Jeds ”

The Empire Strikes Buck

15 hours ago:  “Mr. Strangelove ”

Citizen Bane

15 hours ago:  “Bang the Drug Slowly ”

Pacific Bim

15 hours ago:  “Raiders of the Lost Arm ”

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Dom

2 hours ago:  “Wish I’d never introduced A-Rod to Performing-Enhancing Doug.”

Wish I’d never introduce Riley Cooper to Paula Deen’s book of Racipes.

2 hours ago:  “After 20 years, finally convinced Hoobastank to wash their hooba”

Ba-dum-dum!  Keesh!  Thank you folks!  He’ll be here all week!

Okay, I give Tim a 9 for Mustness, a 9 for Insanity and a 10 for Style.  That’s a score of 9.3.  Totally gotta follow Tim.  C’mon, you didn’t think a Simpsons writer would be funny?

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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Aug05

Ten Sandwiches I Expect When Cloned Beef Starts Being Used

by tonyd on August 5, 2013 at 12:22 pm

Hey Bros!

Sorry for the late post.  I was too busy dreaming about the possibilities of cloning hamburgers.  Mmm, doesn’t that sound delish?  Here now are ten sandwiches I expect they’ll start serving when it starts being used.

1.  McDonald’s McClone DLT (The hot side stays hot, the cool side stays cool and the hot side stays hot.)

2.  Burger King’s Screams-When-You-Bite-Into-It

3.  Wendy’s Twin Sister Junior

4.  White Castle’s Mini-Mes

5.  Five Guys’ 10 Patty Special

6.  In and Out Burger That Walks to Your Car

7.   Carl’s Jr. Mutant Abomination Deluxe

8.  Denny’s What-the-Hell-is-That

9.  Steak n’ Shake’s Burger Mutant

10. Red Robin Crimes Against God with Cheese

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Aug04

Your Fratoscope: August 4, 2013

by tonyd on August 4, 2013 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:  You will realize that you’re another year old, but in metric, that’s only ten months.

Aries:  Don’t park your car close to the theater, it will be damaged by the stampede out of Turbo.

Taurus:  Pay up your health insurance, you’re about to appear in a Russian dash cam video.

Gemini:  The stars say, clean your pool so the stars can come over and swim.

Lemini:  This week, you will be nasally penetrated.

Cancer:  Siri will begin to referring to you as “fucking asshole”.

Leo:  Your M&M’s will sprout tiny hands, feet and faces.  They’ll scream when you eat them.

Virgo:  Check your voice mail, you have a message.

Libra:  After an hour of hanging in a precarious position at an overpass, you’ll realize that you misspelled your graffiti.

Scorpio:  You will appear twice on the new show “America’s Funniest Sex Tapes”.

Sagittarius:  That guy at Subway will get your order wrong again.

Capricorn:  You will eat at a Chinese restaurant that puts fortunes in all their food.

Aquarius:  Don’t go to the beach.  Your friends have bribed the lifeguards to ignore your pleas for help.

Pisces:  The barbecue gnomes hold a party in your backyard again.  Better call the exterminator.

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Aug03

Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies

by tonyd on August 3, 2013 at 12:01 am

When it comes to movies, they’re so expensive these days, I’d rather stay home and watch Regular Show.  But if there’s a good movie, I’ll see it.  But I have to be choosy.  Here now are the movies I’m not seeing and why.

Lee Daniels’ The Butler:  Sounds super boring.  Any movie that can be show to a high school history class, I’m sure I’ll stumble upon one random Sunday on TV when I’m looking for something to watch.  Pass.

The Mortal Instruments:  City of Bones:  How many more versions of Twilight and the Hunger Games are there?  Hollywood trend ending in 5…4…3…

You’re Next:  You know, there’s a big difference between a movie that’s scary and a movie that portrays a lot of horrible murders.  I suspect this movie is the latter.  If I want to see a lot of gore, I’ll just go to r/WTF on Reddit.

One Direction:  This is Us:  I’m not a 14 year-old girl, so pass.

Insidious: Chapter 2:  Eh.  How good can this be?  Maybe it’s because I don’t believe in ghosts.  If ghosts can harass you, why don’t they just kill you?

Battle of the Year:  Let me tell you something about dance movies.  I hate them.  I hate the dancing, I hate the music that they dance to—  I hate it all.  But I especially hate modern dance movies because they are all the same fucking movie.  Some chick who wants to dance, add forbidden love and some kind of dance contest—  Boom.  Movie.

I would rather be the target in a World’s Most Dangerous Game scenario for two hours against the characters from You’re Next than see this movie.  To see this movie, I would have to be dating some chick at supermodel level status to sit through this.  I would rather jump into a pit of live bees naked that see this flick.

I don’t want to see it.  Understand?  I won’t.

 

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