If your birthday is this week:  You will cheat death for another year by beating him in Pokemon cards.

Aries:  The stars say from up there, it does look like you’re going bald.

Taurus:  A wall in your guest bedroom will collapse, but Vanilla Ice’s warranty is valid, so he comes back to fix it.

Gemini:  You will notice the beer on the bar is full again, but after drinking it, you’ll realize that beer doesn’t belong to you.  Fortunately, no one sees because it’s 6 am and you broke into the bar.

Lemini:  Your cellmate will wish you a happy birthday while raping you.

Cancer:  You’ll visit a sexy car wash run by cheerleaders and one incredibly hairy fat guy.

Leo:  You will get drunk at an old age home and discover 85 dollars in ones is your underwear the next day.

Virgo:  You will discover that shaming yourself after getting drunk makes the obscenities across your chest a lot easier to read.

Libra:  A librarian will kick in your front door, point a gun in your face and scream, “Where’s the book?!”

Scorpio:  Not that you care, but those people you just had sex with were not Nicholas Cage and Kate Hudson.  They were Tom Seizemore and Bree Olsen.

Sagittarius:  Someone will fill your mailbox with whipped cream.  This will delight your mailman.

Capricorn:  Your trip to Atlantic City will end with you throwing Donald Trump’s toupee into a volcano, finally lifting the curse.

Aquarius:  The ghost of Francis Scott Key will appear to you and ask you to explain to him what hip hop is.

Pisces:  Your “Captain Brunch” mascot idea has already been done.