If your birthday is this week: Your birthday plays out like a plot from Regular Show and you end up breaking your golf cart.
Aries: It will rain hot dogs, but you’ll find out later a competitor eater exploded over your house.
Taurus: The stars say, either stop complaining or stop watching The Walking Dead.
Gemini: A co-worker will fill your trunk with farts.
Lemini: You pitch to Disney for a movie about a group of adorable, talking cleaning supplies saving their janitor will be bought for $5 million dollars.
Cancer: A mugger will hand back your money and insist you do some better clothes shopping.
Leo: A flock of geese heading South will crash in your pad and eat all your seed-related snacks.
Virgo: You will injure yourself in a freak Nacho accident.
Libra: You’ll find a ten dollar bill inside the wallet of that guy you mugged.
Scorpio: Make-a-Wish Foundation will reject your wish of organizing one big orgy for New York State.
Sagittarius: This week, stay optimistic because when you get to Gitmo, the other prisoners will leave you alone.
Capricorn: Your “Build a Sex Doll Workshop” franchise will run out of DDD torsos.
Aquarius: Try not to worry about tomorrow, it’s more important to worry about the people trying to kill you today.
Pisces: Your stapler will come to life and sing you a song about keeping your desk clean.
