If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday plays out like a plot from Regular Show and you end up breaking your golf cart.

Aries:  It will rain hot dogs, but you’ll find out later a competitor eater exploded over your house.

Taurus:  The stars say, either stop complaining or stop watching The Walking Dead.

Gemini:  A co-worker will fill your trunk with farts.

Lemini:  You pitch to Disney for a movie about a group of adorable, talking cleaning supplies saving their janitor will be bought for $5 million dollars.

Cancer:  A mugger will hand back your money and insist you do some better clothes shopping.

Leo:  A flock of geese heading South will crash in your pad and eat all your seed-related snacks.

Virgo:  You will injure yourself in a freak Nacho accident.

Libra:  You’ll find a ten dollar bill inside the wallet of that guy you mugged.

Scorpio:  Make-a-Wish Foundation will reject your wish of organizing one big orgy for New York State.

Sagittarius:  This week, stay optimistic because when you get to Gitmo, the other prisoners will leave you alone.

Capricorn:  Your “Build a Sex Doll Workshop” franchise will run out of DDD torsos.

Aquarius:  Try not to worry about tomorrow, it’s more important to worry about the people trying to kill you today.

Pisces:  Your stapler will come to life and sing you a song about keeping your desk clean.