Sep30

State of the Websites: September 2013

by tonyd on September 30, 2013 at 8:08 pm

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Sep30

Fratty or Not Fratty with Pledgemaster Dick

by tonyd on September 30, 2013 at 12:01 am

Our pledgemaster may have failed more classes than most students take, but…

Ah.  Shit.  Thought I was going somewhere with this.

Oh, well.  It’s time for Fratty or Not Fratty.  Your pledgemaster speaks!

End of Breaking Bad:  Pretty Fratty

It’s really nice to see a show end before it starts to suck.  You just don’t get much better than the run of this series.  If you missed it, it’s time to get Netflix now.

Space X:  Sorta Fratty

Commercial Space Travel?  Hmm, call me when it’s the same as international waters.  I don’t know if I can gamble and get drunk in zero-g.

Politics:  Not Fratty

Was there a time in the world where you didn’t hear about politics and politicians every fucking day?  I’m glad I failed Poly-Sci.  To protest!

Cookie Butter:  Fratty

It’s like peanut butter only not healthy.  It’s like spreadable cookie dough.  Great on cookies.

Video Pop Up Ads With No Off Button:  Not Fratty at All

What the fuck, the Chive?  I realize that there’s overhead in bringing me high quality pics of cleavage and strange single chicks I’ll never bone.  But when it’s 3am and I’ve inadvertently left the volume on my computer, I really don’t need to be blasted by an ad for Axe Body Spray “somewhere” on your God damned page.

The Chive:  Usually Fratty

Except the aforementioned pop up ads, it’s pretty good.

Drinking Outside:  Not as Fratty

Don’t get me wrong, drinking is always pretty Fratty.  But drinking outside can lose its allure.  At least in the frat house, our rugs are pretty chill and even waking up across the hard wood steps is better than sand on an ant hill.  Just sayin’.

Complicated Beer Bongs:  No Longer Fratty

Okay, it was fun for a while.  I mean, to see what people would come up with.  But when you’re standing there with some kind of tube in your hand and the resident beer bong maker is pouring Natty Light into his giant funnel a can at the time, I can get a little impatient.  I’d like to be drunk now, please.  Just give me a damn pen and I’ll shotgun it.

Beer Pong:  Still Fratty

Ah, I look forward to the new league this year!  So many new recruits with fresh livers!

Zach Galifianakis:  Kinda Unfratty

Look, I know it’s sorta cool to hate Justin Beiber.  I’m no fan, but doesn’t Galifiankis have any better targets than him?  Seems like Zach could aim a little higher than a pop star a lot of people already can’t stand.

GTA 5:  Fucking Fratty!

I have a boner just thinking about this game.  So sweet!

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Sep29

Your Fratoscope: September 29, 2013

by tonyd on September 29, 2013 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:  Co-workers will throw you an awesome birthday party, mostly as an excuse to eat cake and not work.

Aries:  Your attempt to use your dog as a bong results in some serious dog bites on your face and nasty burns on his anus.

Taurus:  You’ll walk out of the photography store with your new camera and Kanye West beats the shit out of you.

Gemini:  Your roommate labels all the food and toiletries, which doesn’t stop you from eating and using them.

Lemini:  The stars say, buckle up.  You’re in for a wild ride.  Mostly because you’ll be driving off an embankment.

Cancer:  You will download a new and convenient app to keep track of all your phobias and then become afraid of it.

Leo:  The NSA will re-address all your emails to read: “To: Lunkhead” just because they can.

Virgo:  You will eat a hoagie which contains mostly sliced squirrel.  It’s delicious.

Libra:  After assassinating your neighbor’s pet squirrel, you’ll find a perfect way to dispose of the body in your deli.

Scorpio:  You’ll discover that having sex with the person who sells you Lottery tickets doesn’t increase your odds of winning, but does increase your odds of getting crabs.

Sagittarius:  This week, you’ll have some candy.  That’s pretty might the highlight of the week.  But it is good candy.

Capricorn:  You will come to the realization that you will never own as nice a pair of slacks as you do now.

Aquarius:  You will finally track down the department store Santa that told you, you’d always be an obsessive little shit when you were six.

Pisces:  You will be rejected by all the prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto V.

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Sep28

Ten Things I Expect Dicks to do With Time Travel

by tonyd on September 28, 2013 at 12:01 am

Time travel is often depicted in the movies as being a thing in which noble scientists try to use it for noble reasons.  Sure, in a few movies, bad people get a hold of the time machines.  (Like the Mafia in Looper.)  But in general, people can be assholes, so I expect that if time travel ever became a reality, here’s the Ten Things I Expect Dicks to do With Time Travel.

1.  Go back in time to before you were married to cheat on your spouse.

2.  Skip out on a check at a restaurant by ducking into a stall and time traveling to a few hours before you ate there.

3.  Use time machine to go back in time to change history just to win at Trivia Pursuit.

4.  Visit your past, virgin self, bring him to the future to get laid and then return him to the past so his first time isn’t so awkward.

5.  Go to a baseball game, sit until the end, then time travel back to the 7th inning so you can beat the traffic.

6.  Time travel back to the moment where a cop gave you a speeding ticket and blow past him doing 120 mph because he’ll be out of his car and unable to catch you.  And even if he sees it, he won’t believe it.

7.  Get really hammered, time travel back to the Neolithic Period, vomit, return to present and vomit-free couch.

8.  Toss your trash onto the Chicago Fire of 1871.

9.  Show up to buffet on Titantic, eat fill and leave before the ship sinks.

10.  Travel back in time to moment friend is getting school picture taken and punch him in the junk just as the picture is snapped.

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