If your birthday is this week:  Co-workers will throw you an awesome birthday party, mostly as an excuse to eat cake and not work.

Aries:  Your attempt to use your dog as a bong results in some serious dog bites on your face and nasty burns on his anus.

Taurus:  You’ll walk out of the photography store with your new camera and Kanye West beats the shit out of you.

Gemini:  Your roommate labels all the food and toiletries, which doesn’t stop you from eating and using them.

Lemini:  The stars say, buckle up.  You’re in for a wild ride.  Mostly because you’ll be driving off an embankment.

Cancer:  You will download a new and convenient app to keep track of all your phobias and then become afraid of it.

Leo:  The NSA will re-address all your emails to read: “To: Lunkhead” just because they can.

Virgo:  You will eat a hoagie which contains mostly sliced squirrel.  It’s delicious.

Libra:  After assassinating your neighbor’s pet squirrel, you’ll find a perfect way to dispose of the body in your deli.

Scorpio:  You’ll discover that having sex with the person who sells you Lottery tickets doesn’t increase your odds of winning, but does increase your odds of getting crabs.

Sagittarius:  This week, you’ll have some candy.  That’s pretty might the highlight of the week.  But it is good candy.

Capricorn:  You will come to the realization that you will never own as nice a pair of slacks as you do now.

Aquarius:  You will finally track down the department store Santa that told you, you’d always be an obsessive little shit when you were six.

Pisces:  You will be rejected by all the prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto V.