Oct25

Rewritten Headlines: HIV Cure to Michael Hayden

by tonyd on October 25, 2013 at 12:01 am

Continue to Wrap That Shit

Hired Hands Blame Boss

Starting Navy, Now Cheap

Man Still Single

Trolls Fined

Jar-Jar Binks Soon to Look Better

Live Action Video Game Built By Japan

Fatties Forget

Man Does Exact Opposite of What Job Requires; Might Get Fired

Jaws is a Pussy

Tweeting Suddenly Awesome

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Oct23

Twitter in Focus: Mel Brooks

by tonyd on October 23, 2013 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is Mel Brooks.  And for those of you born after 1995, he is the funniest person alive.  Let’s see if the king as still got it.

@MelBrooks

April 29th:  “This is my 1st tweet – watch me with & live at 5E/2P for P.S. Carl made me do it. ”

Okay, good start.  Can’t go wrong with celebrity name dropping.  That’s what I do.

May 20th:  “Dear Twitters! I’m on ‘Mel Brooks: Make A Noise’ on tonight at 9/8c! Please watch me or don’t. ”

The proper term is “twits”.

July 18th:  “Hearty congrats to Robert Trachtenberg for well-deserved Best Directing and Editing Emmy noms for American Masters’ Mel Brooks: Make A Noise”

A big jump between tweets, but he was probably napping.

July 18th:  “And hearty congrats to me on the well-deserved Emmy nom for Mel Brooks Strikes Back! on I couldn’t have done it without me.”

Nice.  Best silent movie I’ve ever seen, Mel Brooks’ Silent Movie.

September 5th:  “Don’t miss on Conan tonight. We never know what he is going to say. And by the way, neither does he.”

I caught a glimpse of him on “Two and a Half Men”.  It was pretty funny.

1 hour ago:  “Just did with – He asked many questions. I just watched his hair. ”

Don’t stare directly at it, Mel.

Okay, let’s rate Mel’s Twitter.  I give him a 3 for Mustness, 7 for Insanity and a 10 for Style.  That’s an overall score of 6.6, but hey, Mel is new to Twitter, so I’m giving him a 9.  Follow Mel, the Jedi Master of Comedy.  And go rent Blazing Saddles if you haven’t.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

 

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Oct21

Ten Things I Expect From Flying Cars

by tonyd on October 21, 2013 at 12:01 am

Good news, future fans, flying cars are becoming a reality.  Finally, the Jetsons prophecy has been fulfilled!  Here now are Ten Things I Expect From Flying Cars.

1.  Paying $500 to fill up at the gas station.

2.  Getting stuck behind an old lady in a plane who has her blinker on for like 100 miles.

3.  Waiting a really long time for AAA on a rooftop with a dead battery.

4.  Getting cut off in traffic from 360 degrees worth of angles.

5.  Never running over a curb on a turn again.

6.  Misjudging a landing in my driveway and ending up in my house.

7.  Being blinded by someone’s brights at 10,000 feet.

8.  Flipping off another driver at 10,000 feet.

9.  Looking for a place to land to take a piss.

10.  Still being late getting home for work because everyone flies at the same time.

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Oct20

Your Fratoscope: October 20, 2013

by tonyd on October 20, 2013 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:  Get ready for a big surprise!  The bed bugs in your place spell out “Happy Birthday” on your sheets!

Aries:  Dick Cheney will burst into your place, search it, point at you and say, “I got my eye on you.”  He’ll leave without explanation.

Taurus:  Your Breaking Bad cosplay at the bank makes everyone think there’s been a bio hazard spill.

Gemini:  You will find change at a crime scene, but the detective will claim that it’s “evidence”.

Lemini:  Rest easy now.  The battery to that musical greeting card that fell between the crack in the floor will finally die this week.

Cancer:  After a particularly wet fart, you’ll be forced to take an extra shower.

Leo:  Your newspaper boy has a mental breakdown and starts throwing iPad’s on everyone’s stoop.

Virgo:  You will wake up with a goat licking your face and a broken window.  That will teach you to laugh at your neighbor’s goat-a-pult.

Libra:  You may be smoking too much pot, as your pot dealer insists on “taking a break”.

Scorpio:  It turns out, sex in an aquarium tank isn’t all that kinky and you end up traumatizing a manta ray.

Sagittarius:  Your dog will urge you to go out more, as he’s anxious to throw a party without you around.

Capricorn:  Some sadist will fill your local Coke machine with RC Cola.

Aquarius:  Your local CVS will simple switch over to selling nothing but candy.

Pisces:  You will realize you’ve missed the Walking Dead premiere and don’t care.

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