If your birthday is this week:  Get ready for a big surprise!  The bed bugs in your place spell out “Happy Birthday” on your sheets!

Aries:  Dick Cheney will burst into your place, search it, point at you and say, “I got my eye on you.”  He’ll leave without explanation.

Taurus:  Your Breaking Bad cosplay at the bank makes everyone think there’s been a bio hazard spill.

Gemini:  You will find change at a crime scene, but the detective will claim that it’s “evidence”.

Lemini:  Rest easy now.  The battery to that musical greeting card that fell between the crack in the floor will finally die this week.

Cancer:  After a particularly wet fart, you’ll be forced to take an extra shower.

Leo:  Your newspaper boy has a mental breakdown and starts throwing iPad’s on everyone’s stoop.

Virgo:  You will wake up with a goat licking your face and a broken window.  That will teach you to laugh at your neighbor’s goat-a-pult.

Libra:  You may be smoking too much pot, as your pot dealer insists on “taking a break”.

Scorpio:  It turns out, sex in an aquarium tank isn’t all that kinky and you end up traumatizing a manta ray.

Sagittarius:  Your dog will urge you to go out more, as he’s anxious to throw a party without you around.

Capricorn:  Some sadist will fill your local Coke machine with RC Cola.

Aquarius:  Your local CVS will simple switch over to selling nothing but candy.

Pisces:  You will realize you’ve missed the Walking Dead premiere and don’t care.