If your birthday is this week: You will catch a strain of flu that makes you believe that Taylor Swift’s lyrics are deep.
Aries: On your way to a Christmas party, you’ll be mugged by a group of unemployed Elves.
Taurus: Your rejection letter from Santa arrives on time this week.
Gemini: You realize that your neighbors are no longer buying that your Halloween decorations represent the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present of Future.
Lemini: You fail to hang the stockings with care and burn down your house.
Cancer: Waldo comes to you and begs you to let him hide in your basement for a while.
Leo: You will be punched by a mollusk.
Virgo: The stars say, don’t let your worship of Satan make you conflicted about enjoying the holidays. The Dark Master commands it!
Libra: Your subway pizzeria is a big hit in NYC until Mayor Bloomberg outlaws pizza.
Scorpio: You will fail your nail decorating class, mostly because you keep giving everyone a happy ending.
Sagittarius: Order a salad once in a while, when you pants get looser you’ll be able to fit more candy bars in your pockets.
Capricorn: This week, you will change your life by taking a cooking class, it’ll still be boring but you’ll at least have more cookies.
Aquarius: You will discover the clerk at McDonald’s isn’t willing to chase you over a couple of stolen Happy Meals.
Pisces: You’ll miss a great Christmas party, but on the bright side, no one has to hear your boring stories.
