If your birthday is this week:  You will catch a strain of flu that makes you believe that Taylor Swift’s lyrics are deep.

Aries:  On your way to a Christmas party, you’ll be mugged by a group of unemployed Elves.

Taurus:  Your rejection letter from Santa arrives on time this week.

Gemini:  You realize that your neighbors are no longer buying that your Halloween decorations represent the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present of Future.

Lemini:  You fail to hang the stockings with care and burn down your house.

Cancer:  Waldo comes to you and begs you to let him hide in your basement for a while.

Leo:  You will be punched by a mollusk.

Virgo:  The stars say, don’t let your worship of Satan make you conflicted about enjoying the holidays.  The Dark Master commands it!

Libra:  Your subway pizzeria is a big hit in NYC until Mayor Bloomberg outlaws pizza.

Scorpio:  You will fail your nail decorating class, mostly because you keep giving everyone a happy ending.

Sagittarius:  Order a salad once in a while, when you pants get looser you’ll be able to fit more candy bars in your pockets.

Capricorn:  This week, you will change your life by taking a cooking class, it’ll still be boring but you’ll at least have more cookies.

Aquarius:  You will discover the clerk at McDonald’s isn’t willing to chase you over a couple of stolen Happy Meals.

Pisces:  You’ll miss a great Christmas party, but on the bright side, no one has to hear your boring stories.