If your birthday is this week: You will realize that you’re not being roasted, your birthday party has just taken a very dark turn.
Aries: You’ll watch South Park and get high.
Taurus: Your Aries roommate will eat that sandwich you’ve been saving.
Gemini: You will win a camel and the camel will grant you three wishes if you rub it’s hump.
Lemini: Take care of yourself this week, your guardian angel has a new hot girlfriend and he’s not paying attention to you anymore.
Cancer: After being knocked unconscious during a Black Friday riot, you will find yourself covered in plastic and posed in the middle of a display window at the sporting good store.
Leo: The stars say, it’s not your game that’s weak, it’s that you insist using the pick up line “Can I put my penis in you?”
Virgo: You will discover that cough drops and minty hard candy do basically the same thing.
Libra: You will get a rejection from your publisher because he hates your book and doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Scorpio: This week, take a nice long break or you’re likely to run out of jizz.
Sagittarius: Your football team will win this week, but they’ll call your personally to demand that your root for someone else.
Capricorn: Turns out, dumpster diving doesn’t mean what you think it does and you severely damage several vertebrae.
Aquarius: Your fart in a stairwell will be strong enough to set off a fire alarm.
Pisces: Your Hobbit-style Thanksgiving comes to an end as it always does with a turkey stuff with Reces Pieces.
