If your birthday is this week:  You will realize that you’re not being roasted, your birthday party has just taken a very dark turn.

Aries:  You’ll watch South Park and get high.

Taurus:  Your Aries roommate will eat that sandwich you’ve been saving.

Gemini:  You will win a camel and the camel will grant you three wishes if you rub it’s hump.

Lemini:  Take care of yourself this week, your guardian angel has a new hot girlfriend and he’s not paying attention to you anymore.

Cancer:  After being knocked unconscious during a Black Friday riot, you will find yourself covered in plastic and posed in the middle of a display window at the sporting good store.

Leo:  The stars say, it’s not your game that’s weak, it’s that you insist using the pick up line “Can I put my penis in you?”

Virgo:  You will discover that cough drops and minty hard candy do basically the same thing.

Libra:  You will get a rejection from your publisher because he hates your book and doesn’t want to have sex with you.

Scorpio:  This week, take a nice long break or you’re likely to run out of jizz.

Sagittarius:  Your football team will win this week, but they’ll call your personally to demand that your root for someone else.

Capricorn:  Turns out, dumpster diving doesn’t mean what you think it does and you severely damage several vertebrae.

Aquarius:  Your fart in a stairwell will be strong enough to set off a fire alarm.

Pisces:  Your Hobbit-style Thanksgiving comes to an end as it always does with a turkey stuff with Reces Pieces.