If your birthday is this week: You will watch a lot of Family Guy reruns, eat pizza and play video games. Pretty sweet.
Aries: The stars say, no matter how many times you watch Check it Out! with Dr. Steve Brule, you still won’t get it.
Taurus: You will have to retake your family photo. Guess you’ll have to ride that roller coaster until you get it right.
Gemini: The stars say, don’t let that fart slip out if you care about your car seats.
Lemini: You will discover that the reason the mint in your mouth doesn’t taste very good and doesn’t get smaller is because it is actually a poker chip.
Cancer: Your dog will walk into the room, wait patient for a few seconds and then walk out for no reason.
Leo: You will look deep into the eyes of your date and realize that lying about yourself on your online profile was the best thing you did.
Virgo: No one will pick you up in the Home Depot parking lot this week, might as well stay home and drink.
Libra: You finally get to test out your karate and like you expected, you get the shit kicked out of you.
Scorpio: You will become trapped in your hot tub, unable to escape all weekend, because you thought it would be cool to line the interior with lube and slide around.
Sagittarius: The Wicked Witch of the East comes by your place to use your bathroom, but she really goes in there just to get high.
Capricorn: You will find that taking an average shit will fill up one large 16 ounce cup.
Aquarius: For some reason, your copy of South Park: The Stick of Truth, comes with no Eric Cartman. Sorry.
Pisces: After an awesome birthday, you have the best week of your life, save for that bear chasing you. Although if you had dropped your cake, he probably would’ve stopped chasing you sooner.
