If your birthday is this week: Unlike last week, you get a fortune. Unfortunately, it mostly involves buy drinks for everyone that had a birthday last week. Sorry.
Aries: You will discover that someone has eaten all the power bars from your zombie preparedness kit.
Taurus: The stars say, stay inside. It’s cold as balls.
Gemini: You will be approved by Obamacare, but only for injuries sustained while paying your taxes.
Lemini: Turns out, you don’t have a lot of fans of your blog. It’s just a convenient place for spam bots to meet.
Cancer: You will be smacked across the face by an excellent cut of beef, but you’ll still tip the waiter.
Leo: You will receive a handjob completely free of charge, but the taxi driver will insist that you don’t look him in the eye.
Virgo: You will have the 10th best sandwich of your life this week.
Libra: Don’t wait up, your girlfriend will not be in the mood after cheating on you.
Scorpio: You will realize that getting 10% a mocha latte is really not worth all that bad sex with the barista.
Sagittarius: This week, you’ll realize that you shoveled out the wrong car by mistake.
Capricorn: Your dream vacation is almost over and it’s been awesome! Just one more— Oh, sorry, that was an actual dream. You’re still sleeping the airport.
Aquarius: You will poop someplace special this week.
Pisces: You will finally have to admit that your dream job of sushi taste tester is just a dream.
