Movies are expensive and they are expensive to make.  For 100 million dollars, nothing should suck.  Nothing.  Here now is Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies.

I, Frankenstein:  I, won’t be going to see it.  They should called this movie, I, Actually Handsome Man.

That Awkward Moment: …is when the cashier asks me to pay for a movie starring Zach Efron.  God, these are too easy.

Vampire Academy:  I’m pretty sure there are no exposed tits in this.  So there goes the only chance you had at getting me into the theater, instead of waiting for it to appear on Netflix or the clips on Mr. Skin.

About Last Night:  I saw the Rob Lowe/Demi Moore version.  This one should be called Kevin Hart IV, Kevin finds his niche.  I would rather watch his stand up special on Comedy Central for the tenth time.

Winter’s Tales:  Ooo!  Time travel and romance!  That worked so well before with The Time Traveler’s Wife!  Someone send me back in time so I can stop the studio from greenlighting these.

Pompeii:  Okay, it is virtually impossible for the story of this movie to make me happy.  I’ve read lots about Pompeii and you know some characters would have to somehow survive.  No.  I would rather watch the ending of Brickleberry again.

3 Days to Kill:  I thought the trailer for this movie was another one for that Jack Ryan flick with the new Captain Kirk.  It might have enough violence to win me over, but this movie is directed by McG, the same guy that directed Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.  Why don’t you just kick me in the face for 89 minutes?

Son of God:  A religious movie?  Seriously?  Are there better Jesus CGI effects in this one?  Is it reimagined?  Why would I see this?  I mean, even if you like the Bible, I think you’re going to see the end coming.  Is Hollywood starting a special studio for movies with absolutely no surprises?  What am I saying?  That’s most of the movies on this list!

I’m going to pray to Jesus now for better movies.  Until next time.