If your birthday is this week:  Unlike last week, you get a fortune.  Unfortunately, it mostly involves buy drinks for everyone that had a birthday last week.  Sorry.

Aries:  You will discover that someone has eaten all the power bars from your zombie preparedness kit.

Taurus:  The stars say, stay inside.  It’s cold as balls.

Gemini:  You will be approved by Obamacare, but only for injuries sustained while paying your taxes.

Lemini:  Turns out, you don’t have a lot of fans of your blog.  It’s just a convenient place for spam bots to meet.

Cancer:  You will be smacked across the face by an excellent cut of beef, but you’ll still tip the waiter.

Leo:  You will receive a handjob completely free of charge, but the taxi driver will insist that you don’t look him in the eye.

Virgo:  You will have the 10th best sandwich of your life this week.

Libra:  Don’t wait up, your girlfriend will not be in the mood after cheating on you.

Scorpio:  You will realize that getting 10% a mocha latte is really not worth all that bad sex with the barista.

Sagittarius:  This week, you’ll realize that you shoveled out the wrong car by mistake.

Capricorn:  Your dream vacation is almost over and it’s been awesome!  Just one more—  Oh, sorry, that was an actual dream.  You’re still sleeping the airport.

Aquarius:  You will poop someplace special this week.

Pisces:  You will finally have to admit that your dream job of sushi taste tester is just a dream.