If your birthday is this week:  The stars say, stop wishing for snow, you ski-loving bastard!

Aries:  The voices in your head come will finally come to an agreement.  Soup instead of salad.

Taurus:  Your cellphone’s under the pillow.

Gemini:  This week, you’ll eat a jelly bean that’s bean flavored and looks exactly like a bean.

Lemini:  You will drink so much caffeine, your heartbeat will turn into a steady hum…until it explodes.

Cancer:  You will have a hilarious and surprising gardening accident.

Leo:  You will be accosted by an incredibly rare gang of “land pirates”.

Virgo:  You have a date with destiny, but unfortunately, destiny’s aunt comes into town and cancels at the last minute.

Libra:  You will scientifically confirm that yes, bitches do be trippin’.

Scorpio:  You will receive and email from your favorite porn site asking you to go easy on their servers for a while.

Sagittarius:  One of your online avatars breaks up with you, but assures you that it’s the avatar and not you.

Capricorn:  Your future is clouded in mystery, mostly because you buy a fog machine for your apartment.

Aquarius:  You will take the third biggest shit in your life.

Pisces:  You will have such a fantastic meal, the waiter will tip you.