If your birthday is this week:  A three hundred pound Saint Bernard will eat your birthday cake.  You won’t stop him.

Aries:  You will get so high, you will give the other driver a back massage during your next road rage.

Taurus:  You will finally realize that Facebook is a ginormous fucking waste of time.

Gemini:  You will refuse to put the snow shovel away because you are suffering from PTSD, Post Traumatic Snow Disorder.

Lemini:  The stars say, stop being a whiney little bitch.

Cancer:  You will finally realize that you’re the only person that still wants to talk about Seinfeld episodes around the water cooler.

Leo:  Your beer pong game gets out of hand and you will throw bowling balls into garbage cans full of beer.

Virgo:  This week, you will be pulled over by a cop.  He’ll ask you if you think his eyes are too close together.

Libra:  You’ll visit a flea market and notice that they are selling the same crap that’s already in your place.

Scorpio:  Your favorite live Internet porn channel sends you an email asking you to unsubscribe because you’re kind of creeping them out.

Sagittarius:  Your girlfriend has a bun in the oven.  Seriously, warm hot buns and they’re so delicious, you end up having sex and knocking her up.

Capricorn:  Beware of anyone named “Mitzy” this week.

Aquarius:  You will have the soup and the salad.

Pisces:  You will create a new desert for breakfast after combining pancakes and ice cream.