Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  You will attempt to blow out your candles, but accidentally spit your gum out onto the cake.  You get your wish!  The cake’s all yours!

Aries:  Watch what you’re typing in your emails this week, the NSA is really cracking down on spelling.

Taurus:  You will be offered a unique business proposition, but then again, most Japanese fetish porn is pretty unique.

Gemini:  The stars say, you won’t be a cool kid, but you will make a lot of money selling them pot.

Lemini:  Your calls will be blocked by the Suicide Hotline.

Cancer:  Jesus will return and sleep on your couch until you ask him to leave.

Leo:  You will discover that your firework display is a month too early.  Fortunately, it’s inside the bathroom, where only your roommate sees it.

Virgo:  You’ll find a bear in your hammock, which will be funny for the first few seconds you wake up next to him.

Libra:  This week, your boss will come up with an exciting new way to shit on your weekend.

Scorpio:  Remember not to have sex with your doctor until after he cures you of the clap this time.

Sagittarius:  Your mother will finally outsource all her passive aggressive taunts to her maid.

Capricorn:  You will fall madly in love with your debt collector, but ironically have no money for a date.

Aquarius:  This week, a young person will address you as “sir”.  Sorry “grandpa”.

Pisces:  Your attempt to recreate Jackass videos using cats goes horribly, horribly right, netting millions of hits on YouTube.